Who said anything about talking that was a booty call
I woke up, mistook him for my ex, and started screaming. It was all that chest hair. I don't think this relationship is going anywhere.
im on my way to getting "i just graduated college with no money, no job, and no plan" drunk
i woke up this morning in my bathroom,naked, with my boxers around my face and puke and shit on the floor and wondering why i didn't have a toenail on my one big toe.
compared to you, a hobo is quite responsible.
If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
you were sitting on my toliet with a double cheesburger in your hand asking me how the cheeseburger even got there.
Absence makes the cock grow harder.
on a scale of 1 to 'no sex' how busy are you this week?
Burnt my ear trying to use the bathroom blow dryer as a telephone.
Bone him for me, BONE HIM TWICE FOR ME.
It's all fun and games until your AARP eligible neighbors end up blacking out in your yard at 5pm with a box of franzia. I'm feeling a great year ahead
god, I have more takeout restaurants in my contacts than friends
I'm a great relationship counselor. My vagina will let you know if your relationship is gonna work or not.
No idea but I'm preparing for 4 tequila shots and tons of vomit
He’s only in town today and our afternoon sex sesh kept getting interrupted by the neighbor’s kid yelling and screaming in the pool
Randomize
