In hindsight, i should have predicted that a drink called the 'rocky mountain bear fucker' would not end in a pleasant experience
dont worry, it'll just be a conversation starter like "why did you get that pierced?" or "wow, i got arrested there too"
its barely noon and he already threw up and i have second degree burn
omg he fucking fingered me this morning. and i was just like this is the most awkward alarm clock ive ever had
He called my vagina a rainforest. This is coming from a guy whose pubes are longer than his dick.
He licked the chalk off his shirt, then spat the Mountain Dew from his mouth onto the shirt and sucked on it. And thats him sober.
Yeah man it sucked balls. People on the bus probably thought I was fucking crazy. I was fetal position, taking up two seats with no shame whilst simultaneously panting.
Although a guy bought me a shot of fireball last wknd and I told him he wouldn't even get half a handjob for that and walked away so don't tell me I don't have standards
Somewhere in this city is a lost rubber penis that needs to find its way back home
I don't have any plans for New Year's except watching anime and drinking until I can't read the subtitles anymore.
I know where his drugs are but not my pants
I always knew I would be boring and die in an Uber.
He passed out in my car.
What's the problem?
HE'S STILL IN MY FUCKING CAR.
Is it uncouth to masturbate the night before a gyno appointment?
The smell of pee and coconut conditioner still makes me think of him
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