I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
Did she have bad breath? Bad breath makes you think of all the bad things in the world
She's doing shots in her underwear, a fur hat and mittens. I'm never coming home.
I guess I tried to show you how big my closet was and we ended up eating pickles in my bathroom
My cock is literally on the edge of falling off. Fuck Vegas.
just puked a little into my hand/sleeve. way too hungover for the first day of class
You're either a hooker or Beyonce. Beyonce is abnormally good at doing everything in heels
Getting a vibrator would be like waving the white flag of surrender in this war against my vagina and its hormone army.
oh you know, the usual stuff. getting kicked out of bars and sleeping in cars.
I can't believe you didn't come out. There was a duckling ON THE BAR!
I don't want to jinx anything but I may have found the one.
Cat or human?
Human
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
She really wants to put my dick in her mouth, and to be honest I really don't want to put it there.
That Spanish guy who looks like Ben Affleck from that club we went to 3 weeks ago is still texting me.. He clearly doesn't remember what I look like.
Fuck your bullshit loser kid and his gluten allergy.
Randomize
