you were crying and the really sympathetic homeless man offered you a sip of his whiskey. who was i to stop you?
I shaved my pubes to make my cock look like it has a lions mane. to surprise the girl that works at the zoo when she comes over.
Do you know how hard it is to conceal the fact that you puked all over the bed that someone is sleeping in?
I feel violated. a guy just did an ultrasound on my balls. He made eye contact..
I don't make the first move. Ever. Unless were playing monopoly cause that's my shit
she told me if people cross their eyes and look at her, they say she looks like megan fox
drunk guy next to me on the train just tried to share his pizza with me
he just tried to feed it to me...i love new york
My professor just gave us a margarita recipe.
Because, and I quote, he "wants to give us the tools to succeed in life."
She kept crying and asking why I couldn't look more like Dennis quaid.
I thought i lost my bra, but when i went back to help clean it was hanging up on the wall
If that's all it takes to cure your hangovers then you need to drink more.
Sexiest use of a semi colon this week, congratulations.
She had sex with a starfish painted on her face. Thank you Halloween
I guess I just don't understand how the two main issues with your ex involve a cock ring and a Christmas tree
Like if Ohio doesn't think I can get smashed on wine I will gladly prove them wrong