Was i wearing a white blazer when you superpoke danced me??
i was hoping the water fountain would somehow shoot out vodka this morning
i was drunk and our names rhymed...what was i supposed to do?
i slept with her, drove her to her sisters house to babysit, and then drove around the block where i met her sister and had sex with her in my van. I'm family Friendly!
These 29 Nasty People Went To The Bathroom In Public
its not a holiday until ive ruined the family picture because im drunk
As a matter of principle, I waited until noon to start the drinking binge.
Did you seriously take investment advice from our coke dealer?
Next time he asks to wax your nipple while you're passed out I promise I'll be sober enough to intervene.
My mom just invited me to come with them on their honeymoon to Mexico this summer. And I got a Bump-It in my stocking.
Pass the awkward sauce please.
I'm drowning in it here
19 People Who Had An Inappropriate Celebrity Encounter
Bathtub guy came to. He helped me roll the fat chick away from the fridge. Shower and breakfast are on. You're plan failed!
Dude when we asked him where he lived all he could tell us was "by the slurpees." That fucked up.
We had sex on a dog bed..
Fuck you and your widespread penis snapchat
My body looks like ricotta cheese had a vacation
Drunk level: ugly crying in the bar upon discovery of sweet tarts and not smarties.