i dunno what you eat but your cum is all over my underwear and it smells like pretzels
In my defense it was my birthday and I really wanted to do it.
i have a strong feeling i fucked one of the waiters here...
you could never motorboat her...you'd have to motor-titanic her
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Also, I don't remember opening my gifts from my family. It was cool when I woke up with a new ihome.
He puked in the voicemail. That's a true friend right there.
Well pulled into the driveway, and there she was. Kinda like a Vegas version of the mint on a pillow
Woke up, moved an empty handle of fireball to spit blood, then put the morning cigarette out in it.
She's cool and all but if she eats my food again I'm gonna fucking drop kick her ass. No one touches my lunchables. NO ONE.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
So this is what it's like to wake up with someone else's blood in your nose...
Do you ever get high and look at your cat and feel like you know them on an intellectual level?
Does your Fitbit monitor your liver failure?
We were like one big happy Eskimo family.
Its really awkward pooping while on videochat. Even if you turn the video off.
Remember when I was real fucked up and said I would give up utensils and only use chopsticks for lent?...just got the reminder on my phone.
Randomize