I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
I keep pulling short curlies out of my mouth. Not cool
Needless to say Beer Gardens severly frowns upon playing flip cups with real glasses.
So... I'm really sorry I tried to sell you to random people in cars last night
i just learned how to squirt via google. life is good.
you were on all fours yelling at the earth to stop spinning.
we've already established he's totally wasted. but now he's just sitting at his computer, doing i don't know what, and he keeps saying "dammmn girl" in a really low whisper
Using a 12 year old as a wingman. Does that make me a bad person?
...there was a woman in the stall next to me in the Walmart bathroom having a massive bowl movement and whispering "I'm sorry" over and over
I'm drunk, laying in bed, eating macaroni salad. I dropped a piece and tried to pick it up with a fork. My cleavage is bleeding and I haven't been laid yet. Heeeyyyy!!!
Maybe she'll change her mind but the "go fuck yourself" doesn't seem promising
I woke up this morning with a text from my mom as to why the hell random people were showing up at the house. Turns out nobody came to our house party because I gave them my old address, fuck pre-partying for real
So my mom wants to hear about my weekend. How do I make licking cupcake frosting off your face while high not sound like just that?
I was just thinking about all the dick I could catch while I am home. But then I realized I am too lazy to get out of my pjs and leave my cat.
I was writing 'DISTRACTION' across my chest in Sharpie when my boob fell out. Right on camera.
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