2 nights ago she wants to see other people, tonight she wants to have a threesome. The GOOD kind of threesome. So... win?
Just found a copy of intimate toy times in my mom's trash can...
You're so easy to please, it's adorable. Like an alcoholic puppy.
ok so I'm texting you now like I promised instead of drunktexting aaron and telling him how badly I want his cock tonight. aren't you proud?
this is Aaron, hi
Pretty sure a homeless guy just told me to 'lick his balls clean' because I looked at him.
She put up a picture of her grandmother on facebook, looks like the lazy eye runs in the family
How do you get a black eye playing beer pong??
This year I'm going to try NOT getting arrested. I think the 30th birthday is the cutoff for calling Mom to bail me out.
and I keep making him eat me out and buying me presents, this is paradise. I wish he cheated on me earlier.
I think you just miss his friendship.
I think it's his ability to give me multiple orgasms.
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a taco... I feel like a female Elvis.
I'm sorry I keep drunk texting your boyfriend sports updates.
That's okay. He needs friends too.
just because i'm not a monk anymore doesn't mean I need to tell you about my new sex life.
which is fantastic by the way.
I got a 93 percent on my last mid term and I was drunk. Think of the possibilities if i were sober for the one thats tommorrow.
Have you ever forgotten how to pee? I did last night. Standing in front of the urinal with dick in hand. WTF were we drinking???
Randomize
