All my problems are solved. I just got McDonalds and scratch off lottery tickets.
So, how do I go about conveying: I'm sorry, yet very glad she is having my abortion. Via text msg?
Please don't die.. At a gay bar... On a Wednesday. Obituaries are not allowed to be that entertaining.
Is my lip ring still in your hair?
I don't care if we have to swim home from the bar, Im not gonna sit home in the dark and read some fucking book
I opened up my wallet and it was filled with puke.
I just used my AAA membership to fix a strippers flat tire in return for a lapdance...does that make me a bad person?
You ever just wake up and decide, today I'm going to eat a whole bag of fritos and a tub of cream cheese
I just climbed out the passenger side of my car because there was a spider on mine. I'm doing adulthood right
Your exhaustion is probably due to your rampant sexual urges and the fact that you live the same life as a raccoon.
Oh yeah I remember when I first saw Kyler's balls. If there's anything high school swim prepared me for, it's the amount of testicles I would see here
did you just try to prove your straightness by quoting a lady gaga song?
We need to get me chipped asap
It's the never-ending clusterfuck that is my love life
I'm going to need to invest in some knee pads if I keep having nights like tonight
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