happy early fathers day!!!
im not a father
about that...
he just asked if i would like him to change his diet so his jizz tastes better. keeper? i think so.
Redeem this text for a blowjob
you know you were refereeing rock paper scissors for who got to make out with your sister right?
Please stop bringing your one night stands to Sunday brunch.
I performed "get broken glass out of my shoulder" surgery last night... Drunk, with a what-a-burger straw.
She kept telling the ambulance to sit down and then started crying when we told her it couldn't hear her
You just jumped of the couch and yelled "hidden tiger crouching dragon!" That's the answer to how you broke your finger.
I should have made a run for it. Seriously who calls the cops on themselves and goes to jail. ...on a Monday.
His gf just liked my changed relationship status. She's gonna shit bricks when she finds out he left her for me. Bless her little heart.
So when's a good time this week to show up at your apartment in nothing but a trench coat and a bow? Y'know. Hypothetically.
Well, I just bought plan b with the tips I made from the job that I slept with my manager. So yeah, that's my life. How's yours?
I don't know what that means. Any of it. BUT I will be at your house at 10:20 and you better be ready to get high as balls.
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
THREE MINUTES! THREE MINUTES PAST MIDNIGHT I STSRT HEARING CHRISTMAS MUSIC ON THE OVERHEAD PA SYSTEM!!!
Randomize
