im in an endless cycle of being too hung over to eat all day...then getting too drunk because i didnt eat anything. where is my life going?
i'm pleased to announce i can now open a bottle of wine with my shoe if called upon to do so.
listening to the two girls in the next stall finish a 40 and laugh at this guy they both fucked. they're calling him 'tulip dick'.
just spent the last 4 hours covering his room in sticky notes. Viva Drunk Thursdays.
if things do not go as planned you should see me walking down I81 blindfolded and pantless
Gym?
Sweet baby Jebus, no. I'm Motley Crue hungover. This must be how it feels to rail a line of ants.
I just traded 5 cigarettes for a sandwich on they greyhound.You owe me 5 cigarettes. I told you I would get hungry.
If you can't seal the deal with her, I will. And you know I'll be successful. So there's your incentive
I never turn down an adventure. My life is like a sexual Lord of the Rings.
ACTUALLY FUNNIEST MOMENT OF THE NIGHT WAS WHEN YOU WERE TALKING TO HIM AND YOU SAID "WHEN YOU MEET ME IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE A LOT ANGRIER." And then he said "WHEN I MEET YOU IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE LESS DRUNK, HOPEFULLY."
The only thing left on my Bucket List is getting fingered at an aquarium.
whatever bro. i had ice cream and whiskey for breakfast and its noon. this is the second worst christmas ever.
How exactly does a handjob become fancy?
Blueberry lube, and champagne.
He looks like a Mormon from a lifetime movie. Oddly I wanna give him a hand job
I was giving you head in the kitchen, and when I looked up you were eating a quesadilla.
Randomize
