you only like me because i go down faster than a bridge in minnesota
shes about as inviting as chlamydia
Just mixed Baileys and yoohoo. I feel like an alchoholic 2nd grader.
a stripper queefed in my friends mouth last night and it reminded me of you. miss you
I know man...but i cant pass up a catholic school girl fantasy
we put a pacifier in your mouth because you kept drunkenly singing country music.
You are the only one who would stop a bum, tell him to open up, then pour straight vodka in his mouth. You made his year.
If you value my life, if you value your own, please look for that godforsaken cookie. Please.
Awkward family moment #1: walked in on my 15 yr old nephew packing a bowl. Nephew says- "lets not ruin christmas and keep this our little secret"
Hey, I took a sweater from your house. And, um, your little brother's virginity.
I'm so hungover that I just wrote up my will because I'm afraid I'm gonna die. I'm leaving you my bong.
my ass is still wet. this is highly unpleasant. give me 5 to get changed and I'm all yours. or you can yell things to me while I shower and burn clothes
Ultimate cock block. About to have sex and your mom calls you so you can go help your grandmother figure out how to vote for the voice on her iPad
I'm so upset I left my sombrero at the expo center
IM FILLED WITH SANDWICHES AND SELF LOATHING
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