my vagina has a 5:00 shadow
The only good thing about trampolines when you're fucked up is the gushing blood really cleans all the bad coke out of your nose.
She went off on a twilight/new moon tangent before we even got back to my room. i had to jump the ship and pretended to pass out on the sidewalk.
Sometimes you gotta take the crosseyed stripper. fuck it
Just put my hand under my pillow and found a peach ring. Lat night just came rushing back.
You got cut off after you tried to make the dog funnel moscato.
I feel the need to clarify that I did not show her my vagina.
apparently when a guy says "if there's anything missing in your life, I will provide" he's not expecting attractive lesbians to be the answer.
I just choked eating whip cream from the can, and peed a little because I was coughing so hard. How am I still single.
You know that voice that tells you to do something spontaneous after 1am? Don't listen to it.
Potholders are an underrated garment. Especially naked.
We were fucking in the bedroom then we heard Sports center on in the living room. He stopped midfuck when I started celebrating that my team won over his
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score onr for mom.
Currently standing at the bus stop in just a pillowcase and its fucking snowing
admittedly, geting that drunk in front of my last two exes wasnt a good idea
probably didn't help that you cheated on them with each other either
Randomize
