The next morning she woke up and asked who I was and where she was.
thats the only time ive ever had sloppy firsts
Yeah like at least with a penis what you see is what you get with a vagina there can always be a surprise inside
Just ordered an appetizer sampler to distract the fat chicks so we can escape
Dude Eric's high and buying everyone taquitos. How much room do we have in the freezer?
It was ths the worst 15 minutes of my life. . . It was like fucking a warm stick of butter.
All I need right now is some mouthwash, dignity, and security camera footage...
It's one PM on a Saturday and I'm sitting here drinking Jack, eating a block of cheese and playing Minecraft. Please tell me you can come drag me to a bar.
I've washed my hands three times and it still smells like Astroglide.
I don't give a shit if you judge. This isn't about you or anyone else. This is about me and my chicken tenders.
The impromptu 'dance party' was just three white dudes flailing arrhythmically in the kitchen in absolute silence. Stone cold sober.
I'm actually more excited that I had so much sex this weekend that my ovaries hurt
I'm just glad I met someone who probably won't punch you in the face
Wait what do you mean I BOUGHT A FUCKING HORSE LAST NIGHT?!?!
Played Gay Bar on the jukebox and pissed off the Republicans here. Best day before birthday ever.
Randomize
