To think... Somewhere, too drunk by buckcherry is someone's theme song
last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
A university police officer just hhigh fived me when i drunkenly stumbled into Aderhold. Fucking 5 o'clock somewhere.ITS IN CASABLANCA RIGHT NOW! TIME ZONES!
the only good thing about these hospital visits are the free pregnancy tests
he came up my nose again i swear he does this just to piss me off
i figure i've seen his cum stains on the floor, i'm allowed to say these things.
There's banana everywhere and your hamster may or may not have stayed the night in the microwave...
Wise words from the guy who drunkenly chipped his teeth on the sidewalk
Crosswalk actually
How do i politely tell him his dick looks like it went thru a meat grinder?
My vagina feels like it's been kissed by angels.
My balls are resting on a block of frozen cheese in a sealed bag
Hey, don't blame me for the shitty evening; I wasn't the one who promised hookers, Dos Equis and foster kittens. Keith was.
Smoking weed with a blind guy, don't worry he's chill.
I feel so accomplished. I've cleaned my room, done laundry, called those places, gotten jobs, and masturbated.
I'm so proud of you.
We should write a country song: “Blacked Out on a Sunday”
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