i love how he claims to not know english but when i ask him to come over and fuck me he's all of a sudden fluent
Pretty sure I left lotion and my bra in your car. I've secured your fathers belief that your straight. You can thank me later
btw i have an angry voicemail of you yelling at me to get you a sandwich or die.
I hid a girl's boot last night so I could ransom it back this morning via the "blowjobs for boots" program.
Found your glasses drenched in ketchup on my driveway this morning
Serious question: Should I volunteer to get tazered? My instincts say no but my wild side says yes.
Well, somebody (me) put on reindeer antlers, crawled around on the floor, and meowed at people... So yeah, I'd say it was "one of those nights"
We tried to play tennis but after about 15 minutes we gave up and fucked against the fence. Woulda been a cute third date so of course I had to ruin it.
You told your mom that it was your second day sober. I think she believed it until you jumped off the balcony
The beer bottle was sticking out of your zipper and you shook it onto unsuspecting patrons
a guy just walked through our campsite, crouched down by the truck, screamed "ACID ONLY LASTS FOR 8 HOURS RIGHT?!", then ran off into the bushes
My Sundays are fucking awful. Can't get a blow job.....can't get a win.
I knew I wanted to marry her when we got in that bar fight and she full-nelsoned a guy while I worked his kidneys. I knew then we had to breed
He just got out of surgery, almost died from shooting him self with an arrow.
Only good thing about being an essential worker is that I have a letter allowing me to cross the bridge into jersey to get booze
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