while cleaning my room, i've found many wonderful things. one of these is the card you gave me for my eighteenth birthday. it's a christmas card that says "i want to stick it in your sponger"
No one wears that much makeup to work unless they are trying to fuck their boss, NO ONE
Nothing like a 3am firealarm to kick a booty call out...
I found out why they kept calling her "CD". It was short for "Crab Dip". You're fucked.
Just realized ive been sitting through all of lab with a condom in my bra.
yay hump day
i'm laying here naked in a pile of empty landshark bottles, is lauren still hiding under the toilet?
She was wearing some slutty variation of a toga and giving the entire bus a pep talk on why we should black out tonight...I'M IN LOVE AND I DON'T CARE WHO KNOWS IT!
A dry HJ only, please. I don't deserve the comforts of lube after my horrendous fantasy football performance
Why is there a chocalet milkshake outside our front door?
Alcohol
Before we have sex for the first time I would like "eye of the tiger" to be playing to mentally prepare me for what I'm about to endure.
Totally on the hot mess express last night. Mom said I was passed out on her kitchen floor. Told her I was drinking genuine tea.
i guess i fuck people who own bucket hats so i can't talk shit
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
Calm down I'm not kidnapping the bartender
I'll keep supplying drugs if you teach me piano.
Randomize
