Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
so, totally just picked up a pack of red bull, and some magnum condoms and the old woman at the register's tone went from "hi blah how are you" to "oh....how YOU DOIN'?" she knew what was up
A few issues tonight. 1) Drunk since 1pm. 2) At the bar at 4pm. 3) James brought his sister, who has enormous breasts, isnt shy about cleavage, obviously slutty, and makes me want to do things that would even have Atheists sending me to hell. However, she's wearing glitter, so all Im thinking about is Edward Cullen. Go ahead and rip up my Man Card.
When are you freeeeeeeeee?
My phone auto corrected that to freeeeeeeeeedoooooooooom. That's kinda awesome.
I've broken several federal laws in the name of sex.
Porch rule of tonight: when you sing, you must use "something" as a microphone. The person to use the most "creative" object gets the door prize...so far Stephie is winning with Jennifer's dog.
I tried to find the bar, ended up at a car dealership. Then the alarms went off.
ugh... fuck pirate breakfast. my head is like thirsty.
Guess who just bought an ounce of pot via Paypal, and paid for it with my airline Visa card to earn miles?
Congratulations. That business degree is finally worth every penny it cost you.
I asked him if we were going to get arrested for doing it in the bar parking lot. "Absolutly not" said the guy getting the blow job...
My arms in a cast, how am I supposed to have sex with only one hand?
more importantly I need two hands to eat pie
I can't hang out with this penis. I'll start thinking I like the person it belongs to.
We couldnt find you anywhere and when you finally answered your phone all you said was "im safe"
Is it wrong for me to wish my cat had arms to get me a beer?
guess who smoked weed with their grandpa tonight. and no it wasn't me.
Randomize
