if you ever come into my room screaming for me to set up rockband at 4:45 am ever again i will kill you
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
It's a 2 hour train ride a 7 in the morning, of course we're bringing alcohol
Oh btw I took the eighth out of the plastic wrap so I could use it to wrap my red pepper. This can be seen as either pathetic or resourceful.
I was masturbating with the shower head and someone flushed the other toilet. Pretty sure I have 3rd degree burns on my clit.
For the first time ever I'll be using my lunch break to pass out cold on my desk. We've gotta stop having these late night drinking things on Sundays
I'm sorry but I have WAY too many sex/ hookup related bruises on visible areas to be going home tmrw
My stalker sent me an erotic poem. Who knew anyone could find a way to rhyme birth and girth so eloquently?
Dude I broke her toilet blowing some dude. I wasn't going to turn down the 300$ he offered to fix it.
So we broke my sobriety. Played life size childhood games. Broke into a cold hot tub and got laid. I think this is BFF quality!
ten seconds after he was done making out with the blonde, he rips off his jacket and screamed "Goddamn it, you know I like brunettes"
I have never seen someone so pissed at getting some. i called dibs so fuck him
I lost my bra at his grandma's house so there's that.
You're wearing pigtails and giving away our kitchen appliances. Clearly, you're drunk.
I don't know, we got really drunk and I slapped her with an ear of corn.
There's a video of you almost falling asleep in a bar stool listening to Jimmy Buffett. Nekkid.
Randomize
