well thats why i like him. because he makes you happy. on the other hand i think he masturbates too much while texting you.
Don't go all Obama on me. George Bush this decision and just do it. Thinking's for the morning after
My New Years Resolution was to get a girl I dont know pregnant. 8 months later I can check that off the list..
:O -> O: ... that's emoticon for "he threw up in my mouth while we were making out"
I will also inform you that stairs change when you change a house. Those hurt.
the lady in the checkout infront of me had a case of beer, two 40 oz, and activia...really??i dont' think irregularity is her problem
Today's lesson: while in the shower, one should choose between either drinking OR shaving. Not both.
Im pretty sure that girl just said "Im taking you home even if your girlfriend has to come too." Why are we here again?
A man just sang Jennifer Lopez to me out his car window. I am not sure how I feel about this, but it is not positively.
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
i need to put some appletini on your dick
My sister just showed me a snap chat that I don't remember sending, it was a picture of me with two big macs in my bra with just the words "BURGER TITS"
Omg. I definitely just got hit on by my doctor AFTER he completed my pap smear which clearly showed I was in the middle of an outbreak. What. The. Fuck.
All I’ve had today is sex and water. I think it’s time for tacos.
He’s over 6 feet has amazing posture and went to Harvard and has an awesome job and a great dick and loves Jesus and is an organ donor
Is this the guy you have listed as free food in your phone
Noooo he’s listed as free food #5
Randomize
