ive decided theres a fine line between accepting money for sex and letting someone buy you late night taco bell and knowing that if he hadnt you wouldnt be in his bed right now
i dont have any money that hasnt already been designated for cigarettes and birth control
you're in nursing school, now tell me what to do about a burned clit.
and i was just like oh shit i'm getting felt up by a 15 year old
Apparently he ran around last night saying he was 'the hulk hogan of muff diving'
why the fuck are my pubes caked with bread crumbs?
Beer vodka and pink lemonade powder mixed together. So. Many. Penises. My vagina will be calling out to them tonight. Coooooooooooooome.
So we get back to the hotel room and Tom strips off his clothes... His first sexual act as my fiance? Helicopter dick. I gave him a high five.
I'll even be awesome and bring pizza for your family, just as a "hey thanks for letting a stranger get trashed at your house" gesture.
She pushed me over. She offered me a shot from her tits. We're good now
well one of us has to be wrong and it's not going to be me
Aaaaand my mom is wearing jeggings...
Chipotle farts are not good for seducing boys.
what do you mean i can't make cookies with a blow dryer? challenge accepted.
im so drunk that this cat is mothering me. aggressively
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