I hope you have a really shitty weekend. I love you.
Turns out you can't chew it over with twix in real life
Dude I've never seen anyone get slapped that hard
I think I know how big ted kennedy's penis is.
I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
I can't wait until weight watchers comes out with a beer
been home a week and haven't blacked out yet. i miss college
Didn't get to fuck her. Had to leave abruptly through window. Explain later.
I could write a book on how to barely get by in community college. I just took an online quiz on my phone, at the bar, 6 minutes before it was due.
you're the third guy in less than 24 hours she fucked. I'm glad you lost your virginity just don't act like you climbed Mt. Everest.
In an unrelated matter, im gonna eat you out so much later.
she walked through the crowd, completely naked, slapped a pool attendant in the face and stole the towel he was carrying. she used it to dry her hair.
She walked into the kitchen, said 'we've come to this time of the party,' reached into the bowl of cold spaghetti and shoved a handful in her mouth.
He showed up at my house with roses and a bottle of vodka... to watch a movie. obvi i took the vodka and didn't sleep with him
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
He was someone so memorable that I'd completely forgotten he'd existed up to and during the encounter
Randomize
