I swear I have "I love assholes" written on my forehead with ink that only guys can see.
I woke up at 1pm, looked in the mirror and fist pumped...I might still be drunk
My new years resolution is to be alive new years morning
of course he's cheating on me, she's 100x prettier and she can do the splits
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He adopted an old drug sniffing dog so that he won't lose his weed around the house anymore. It works.\n
you can SEE the outline of a pad through her jeans. there is no way
it took me 20 minutes to get her upstairs... she crawled under a car and wouldn't come out.
It's not a good night until someone eats a bagel covered in face mask thinking it's cream cheese
Also I think he would slowly, painfully, die. You really can't live without a penis. You'd explode.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The water at the venue tasted HORRIBLE so I just kept drinking booze. It was like the medievals.
So I've been spending my morning trying to figure out if there's a corealation between Wednesday margarita night and the boat that's now in my living room.
there's people who respect me enough not to bang on my bed and i think that's beautiful
Just got the test results back; apparently I'm red-green colorblind. this explains the past 18 years of my life and i'm wondering why i didn't realize this sooner
Apparently I bought a laptop last night, then gave the laptop to a friend who was going to give it to her friends' friend to put some cool shit on it. Anyway, I have no idea where my new laptop is now.
I managed to convince her that the egg yolks were actually orange juice and she fell for it
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