Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
she's doing push ups on the keg. hows a girl supposed to compete with that?
he told us the story of how he fought ketchup, mustard, and thomas the train engine all in one night. if that doesn't sound like an acid trip i dont know what does.
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
thought i was the most hungover person in class until i saw a kid puke into his bookbag...he wins
why did I try to FaceTime with 311 last night?
The nurse who basically saved my life just came into the store. Didn't recognize her. Awwwwkward.
Sat in the shower and reenacted the "Wiggle your big toe" scene from Kill Bill. THAT hungover.
As for the 14 hours of vodka. I am all that is man.
And by sexy pictures I mean pictures of my penis in strange places. I rock out with my cock out.
I've been told that their best stripper is on maternity leave. NEVER AGAIN.
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
Oh man I wish I could've gotten a picture of how many anti-circumcision stickers are on this Prius
Dude on a beach in sicily and a blonde jesus just smoked us out and then tried to makeout with me I am never leaving this place
There is a woman in the stall next to me giving a pep talk to her daughter that wants to call off her wedding. I'm afraid to pee!
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