it's like there's an entire ecosystem in your vagina.
Just thought you should know in my puerto rico drunkenness yesterday I signed my dogs name on the bar tab. cruise = success
I'm walking down the street with a Starbucks in one hand and a flask in the other. People seem to have a staring problem
when we went to bed he asked me to hold his penis so he knew i was there for him
let's just skip the pleasantries and go back to my place for pizza and casual sex
I normally need adult supervision or a babysitter, but I refuse to let someone keep me from making irresponsible and wrong decisions at the bar on my last bday ill ever have in texas
You come home the day the world is supposed to end. Well played Mayans.
'TWAS BUT A GLORIOUS SIGHT. BITCHES.
at one point, i told him to buy you a pumpkin spice latte and uggs because you're a common white girl and that's how he should get you in bed
You're such a good friend. You send me pictures of your boobs when I'm sad. I will always appreciate that.
What am I even going to do with 20 more jello shots? And don't say give them to the cat
I fought a guy last night because he said "extra pulp orange juice is the best orange juice"
Dude, you screamed I AM THE WALRUS while giving a statue of Ronald McCdonald a lapdance. You were NOT sober.
There's just something classy about smoking a blunt in a prom dress.
If the amount of time the owner spent looking at my tits is any indication, I’d say I can probably sleep my way to the top
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