someone shit in a solo cup and left it at the base of the stairs. fuck orlando dude.
my little sister told my dad she found willy wonka's golden ticket in the backseat of my car. now my dad knows my boyfriend uses magnums.
Just saw an ad for "Liver-aid" how has this not become a life changing drug for millions?
4 maple syrup blunts. Decided to sit on my roof and count the snowflakes that landed on my tongue. 84.
At what point should shame kick in? Realising I had a one night stand with a man engaged or realising I am that man's wedding photographer?
i had to write a bad check to buy franzia last weekend. i have my priorities in line.
I cant. There's fences everywhere and I think I have a boyfriend. Its fabulous.
also, add "teaching boys to sext" to my charity work
i just stole a 8 pack of olde english 40s and 2 roles of duct tape. we are going to make edward proud tonight.
he bit THROUGH my nipple
plus side, no need to pay for a piercing.
I've orgasmed so many times tonight I think I've become enlightened
He just didn't want his drunk dick pulled out of his windbreaker at the family party
I just realized that you're going to be drunk for daylight savings time again. Godspeed.
Hey buddy, turns out those were the PB&shroomwiches, soooo you may want to reconsider dinner with your girlfriends family tonight...
Me and dad were just reflecting on that time he found a gas mask bong in the backyard.
Randomize
