My dad just sent me a text telling me to "say hi to all the luscious bitches" at the gay bar. Guess this explains my childhood
omg so im topless lying on my bed and i forgot my nail clippers are on my bed and i just leaned forward and the nail clipper closed. on my nipple. ouch
I'm blazed at jack in the box and my order number is 420. I wish everything in the world made this much sense.
Its 11am everyones wasted wearing sombreros and eating fresh produce..cesar chavez would be very proud
I think I just used lyrics from the Sister Sister theme song to let a guy down easy...
people in the room actually applauded when we discovered you had the ability to somehow throw up on your own back
My new year's resolution was to squirt this year. I only have four months left. Help.
I saved him in my phone as "Well-Hung Burrito Savior." I love Taco Tuesday.
I just stole a bunch of balloons from a birthday party and am giving one to each person at the bar.
I'd climb him like a horny MILF spider monkey.
yeah i wanted to show him what i was missing, so i decided to send him a seductive picture, like the ones where the girls are eating strawberries and whipped cream. well i didn't have those, so i sent him a picture of myself naked eating a bagel
And with the bitter taste of failure in my mouth, i am off to pub to drown it in tequila and 19 year olds, so in the morning i can add pregnancy and stds to my list of problems.
You woke up at like 4 in the morning fell off your bunk bead, yelled at Nic for asking if you were ok, walked to the kitchen, pissed on the keg, and then looked at me and said "Still not worth it" then went back to bed.
On this version of “Dean Can’t Be a Normal Fucking Human,” I told a guy I’d shove a tv up his ass. Recreationally.
Plasma, LED or OLED?
In the past year, I've fucked 3 Dave's and you've fucked 2 Dave's. That's a lot of Dave's in our vaginas.
We need to start a soap opera called the Dave's of Our Lives.
Randomize
