my sister just canceled her nose job because she thought it would hurt too much
It'll hurt less than being alone
I don't remember what your face looks like..
I don't remember your face either, just your dick.
You kept whispering, no one does me like Jimmy Johns does me.
No fucking idea. Just paid for my chipotle in chocolate coins, though. Either there is a huge language barrier happening here, or my big boobs are finally paying off.
My three rules on what I'm wearing tonight. Something short, something see through, and something i had sex in.
Seriously just confirmed via our bathroom scale that a keg weighs 170lbs
Just had Jager bombs for breakfast with her roommate... I do not regret this newfound lesbianism.
Someday, but I will be heavily drugged and there will be no dolphins.
To be honest I've become too lazy for the work involved in getting laid.
You run marathons and you're too lazy for sex? Priorities, man.
Touche.
hey dude my crackhead idol just taught me a great way to tie shoes
Listen, dont tell me about your day or that your mom is in town. Don't ask me to drive you to the airport or proofread your paper. Text me when and only when you have a boner. Oh and take your pants off and leave your front door unlocked because I'm coming over.
He was asleep with his head on a windowsill and you were petting his head, then you almost left the kitchen and then went back to pet him some more.
i have achieved a new state of being which requires no food or water but is sustained only by coffee and pure, unrelenting rage
I need thought I would ever have to use the phrase "Don't fart on that Calzone".. Thanks for that
We put you in the box and you started to cry, that's how high you were.
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