he made me salute his american flag boxers before i took them off
why did they invent bidet's? your butt gets clean when your poop falls in the toilet and splashes up anyway...
i have no concept of time, i feel my nose, and im seeing everything in bitty hexagons.
But guess what. I'm gonna roll over and go to sleep cuz there's no cuddling in phone sex.
I'm picking out a half way decent top so if I get arrested I'll have a respectable mug shot photo. Always be prepared.
Oh and fyi, I've been drinking and about to do free weights. I'll late you know how this goes.
I feel like I'm a marionette being lifted around. Four Loko.
She just came to my house, with puke in her hair, to wake up my dad and scream "happy fathers day you DILF!" at the top of her lungs
I refuse to have sex with you and your eBay condoms.
He wanted me naked, so I got naked. You can't hold that against me.
I can't tell if I'm getting better at doing my online spanish hw drunk or if my teacher is just grading on creativity. Either way that senoritas gettin an applebees gift card when i graduate.
Remember the bouncer that knocked out Dave and Sam? Apparently his day job is a florist. Uppercut and fresh cut in one package.
Puke-y regrets or just things-seem-far-away regrets?
What do I have to do?! Spell it out for him? Why can't he just plow me and pull my hair at the same time
You are my new hero
Just made my first drink, took 2 sips feel like god
Randomize
