____ banged a stripper...well technically she's now a hooker...
I just want you to know I tipped the cab driver $10 last night because I felt bad that he didn't have healthcare.
FUUUUUCK she froze all my quaters inside the ice cubes again
Come on. It's already happy hour in Europe...Man up. "I'm at work" and "it's a tuesday" are not valid excuses.
please tell me we weren't that bad as freshmen
i can't, we're worse now
I'm so high that I'm intently watching my neighbor move his car back and forth in order to put his motorcycle in the garage, and getting irritated that it seems so complicated.
I know it's like I wanna bring somebody fun who I haven't drunkenly expressed my feelings for. Or hooked up with. It's a struggle.
I think curling is the best thing to watch when you're baked.
I used the phrase "love child of quasimodo and cyclops " in a sentence today.
Bring me your tired, your weary, your buffalo chicken dip
I complemented his smile, he sends me a dick pic. Seriously?
Tomorrow night, I am putting you In my trunk. No excuses we have waited forever for this.
I don't blame you. I made YouTube videos of me singing Rent songs then slept with a married couple. Fucking tequila.
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
I just had mom give me advice about how and where to store my lube in my shower. It was super awkward. Of course, she also walked in on me masturbating once so I guess turnabout is fair play
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