so i was supposed to be to work at 8..but its 9:15 and im currently standing stoned in the middle of holiday...with a bag with three doughnuts, two redbulls, and a slim jim..
god i miss watching you do this...
You stuck the head of a rubber chicken you found in her house up your ass and then started running around her living room. Naked.
im pretty sure every drug dealer is going to be able to retire the day after alice in wonderland comes out
& he told me 'I don't think ur a big slut-just kind of an average slut'
HE THINKS THATS A COMPLIMENT!!!!!
Just warning you now f you do not get intoxicated with me in front of the family on thanksgiving we are not related.
Well, practice makes perfect. Let's start playing Eye of the Tiger and do a blowjob training montage.
So I found where you barfed in my house. Just wanted to let you know that my cat barfed on the kitchen floor in a show of solidarity
I was like can I please fuck your hips back into realignment
Just smoked the bong while taking a dump. I love living by myself.
lost my vibrator and now I have to masturbate manually. The struggle is fucking real.
Fuck you know you drunk when you start signing the Masson impossjvke song to entourage yourself to pee
The morning after your company Xmas party and that moment you're eating a block of cheese in bed wearing a sequin blazer and recalling all the details of your one night stand with a coworker who happened to start that day...fuck.
I just watched your sister pour half a bottle of cotton candy flavored snow cone syrup into a bottle of marshmallow flavored vodka, take a swig, frown, and pour a cherry coke in.
Just wait until she offers you a "powerita"
You know what sucks about being drunk at 4 pm? Not a god damn thing.
thank you for being so understanding of my weak stomach and poor self-control
Randomize
