Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
Quick, to the slutcave!
Coming down off exstacy at a church event. Resisting the urge to dance to the church hymns.
The university put out a message about those missing salt and pepper shakers... You should at least give back 60 of them.
Sober Sundays just aren't working out anymore.
Sorry we're taking so long, this weed cake tastes amazing with Tabasco sauce on it.
I walked from the hotel to the club with a pint of tequila in my boot. Poured some in a homeless woman's mouth when she asked for change. I've hit rock bottom.
It's embarrassing enough people in my life are aware of the ridiculous things that happen to me. I don't think we need to get the whole world involved.
New rule. No seeing movies about plane crashes after killer bong rips
I woke up snuggling a bottle of water while Hercules played on Netflix. Whiskey Wednesdays
Wife and kids came home early...naked passed out covered in chili cheese Fritos dad will haunt them forever.
I'm abstinent now
Oh, is this one of the times when you're serious?
Talk about having your cake and eating it he has basically demolished the whole fucking bakery
do I look like a person who has full control of their limbs and existence on this plane of reality
You cuddled up under the blanket because you said it smelled like Santa and vodka.
Randomize
