i told my grandma i broke up with my boyfriend. her reply " you need to play the field more anyway"
Note to self: When getting ready to leave with a kid in a wheelchair don't say Let's roll
just saw bouncers outside a coffee shop. beginning to question humanity.
and I'm going to name my autobiography "blow jobs with enthusiasm are the best"
I'm naming my autobiography "Reasons Not to Date Girls From Texas."
yeah, you were trying to hump the doorman.
when did we get a doorman?
we were also in the wrong building...
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
I definitely made out with a high school student last night while his sister and my brother were in the same room. I think we're all traumatized by the situation.
I just ate powdered extacy out of my wallet. I think I might have for a second of my reasonable life been on your level.
I mean it's a good blow job, but it's not worth the four hour round trip.
I'm home, and it turns out she didn't get it all. still picking Oreos out of my pubes.
I may have been mad at the Supreme Court/patriarchy and tried to hate fuck myself.
but I'm still not sure how you became more and more fluent in Spanish the drunker you got
You told your family you're bi over the phone?!
We were talking about exes and it just came out....and so did I.
Because you hugged a homeless guy, and I paid him 5 bucks to give us our giraffe balloon animal back. That's why.
She's got a shotglass necklace, running down the street asking people to "fill her up". Get here.
Randomize
