Yup u can hook up with me now and not goto jail
the sham wow guy got arrested for beating up a hooker.
I just mistook a monk for someone with the newest colored snuggie.
I had a dream that chipotle was out of burritos... Was more like a nightmare.. Gotta go make sure it wasn't real now
I didn't realize he wasn't circumcised... it looked like the Unibomber...
All he did was lie there and used his hands to keep pace. He was like the metronome of sex.
Leaving the phone at home last night was the best decision I ever made.... Though I still managed to text her and now I have 2 phones...
My new hangover cure is going for a haircut, just so the stylists give me a scalp massage during the shampoo.
That certainly explains the nine times your hair has looked different just this last month alone.
A reason for us to be drunk all week National Singles Week
The fact that I took a nap during my midterm shows exactly how I handle being an adult
He handed me a temporary tattoo and said cover the hickey up with this
All I remember about last st pattys day was I was in a bathtub with full bubbles, fully clothed, drinking out of a flamingo lawn ornament that someone cut a hole in.
I'm too pretty to go to jail. Especially in Louisiana.
Is there any reason why a taxidermic donkey head is in the shower?
My boss couldn’t find her phone so she asked me to call it and when I found it the screen said Fuck Toy was calling. I’m very much okay with this
Randomize
