i feel so shallow. people in iran are using twitter to write hardcore nathan hale shit about dying for freedom. my last tweet was "i hate the taco shits"
i don't want a singing card. it disturbs my hangover. give me a pack of cigs taped to a bottle of wine and fuck me without a condom. happy vday baby.
Dude, at this rate we're going to get arrested a second time tonight.
The voicemail says i shouldn't bother ever showing my face there again, i don't understand
We visited your boss last night. guess you wont be paying the rent this month, eh?
i dont even feel safe using a push mower...that hungover
I just kept pointing at random people and telling the bartender to put it on their tab.
my mom just walked in on me in the shower doing the "ass hair shave" pose.
How many trips to the liquor store in a week constitutes alcoholism?
I'm going to pretend you don't watch My Little Pony and focus on your large cock. Kay? Don't bring it up again.
facebook is just a cold reminder of all the times other bitches won my hookups
I JUST LIKE FLANNEL, NOT VAGINAS! OK?
It's gotten to a point that when guys say "I'm gonna cum" I've developed a habit of responding "dooo itttt" in a deep voice. #isthatweird
Like the friend zone has no room for winks
You got this. You survived the RA last semester (granted you almost got arrested but still.)
Party bus got out of hand. Some guy pissed himself. Later, he couldn't find his house keys, so he kicked the back door in.
Randomize
