Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
Awesome. Ask her out.
Nope. She's got a detail of ed hardy security around her.
I want to get laid tonight but my sheets haven't been washed since vomiting in them on Halloween :(
I just answered "If only I knew" for a quiz in criminology, she loved it. I got an A
I'm sorry I compared your vagina to nascar
just found out they live across the street from coke dealers... rethinking the new years resolution
It's always a good night until the penis tattoo makes an appearance
Ive fucked up. im like a feral dog rabidly chasing an infrequent dream amidst a cataclysm of disaster
He ate the contents of an ashtray and didn't puke, I think he can handle drinking a fifth to himself.
i was on the fire escape while he ate me out for a while before i realized he had shut the door behind us and locked us out and i proceeded to climb down the stairs and climb back into the party through the window.
i can only hope to be on your level one day.
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
She's the perfect storm of great hair, big boobs, intellectualism, and mild moral ambiguity.
I want to wait until after I get laid before I ask him his political affiliation. Just in case. I'm so desperate I would bang a Republican
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
HE WAS CUMMING IN THAT DICK PIC
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