I told her it just looked small because my balls were gigantic. She bought it.
Scared. last time someone tried to talk me into they said it tastes like tapioca and i projectiled onto a closed window
theres no point in washing my sheets anymore. its always going to be a fine layer of booze and semen.
its always fun the next morning to look around the room and see where all the clothing landed.
Just found custom condoms. Guess I'm not getting any work done today.
Walmart at night is scary enough without having to run into people you've slept with
Had to belly crawl across the floor to the toilet with my eyes closed to puke my life out without making my hangover worse. Three times.
You can't tell me you've honestly NEVER considered smoking a Froot Loop
By getting lucky do you mean I get one of your incredible BJs or you not killing me by the end of dinner?
My phone just put together a highlight reel of yesterday's dick pic session, set to music and everything
I ate too many pot brownies and passed out topless with my boobs painted like the American flag
woke up this morning and she was gone. but she left a box of donuts on the counter with a note saying "for all the 'o's you gave me last night"
Woke up with a throbbing vagina and a lesbian in my bed. Then for the hell of it we had morning sex. Definitley bisexual now
Hey I'm trying to get back with my ex I'mm done doing whatever we were doing I hope things workout for you
Weird flex but ok.
kind of bad when u call a cop an asshole for driving you home from the bar
Randomize
