i just walked in on my sister drunkenly sobbing to sarah mclachlan. its time for an intervention.
didn't that happen to you last weekend?
shut up.
I drove you home. there is no excuse for wrecking your car 3 hours later.
Did you ask last night's taxi driver about his penis hygiene?
JAMES WASHOMGTON STATE ATTACKED US
WE'RE FYCKED UL HARDCORW
THE REISLING ATRACEX US
Heaven was on the 3rd floor and Hell was on the first. When the cop walked up he was confused as to who the noise complaint was for and wrote both apartments a noise violation.
Think of it this way, instead of a puppy, we're getting a baby.
I told her the job opening requires being on the phone during the week and on my face on the weekends. I think she wants the job.
Next time we include dessert condiments into our sex life we can fuck up my sheets. It's only fair.
Fairly certain I cracked a rib. Masturbation is not for the weak. I die now.
Do pleather leggings scream im easy on a first date?
Just had a serious discussion with my ex-boyfriend about sexy nurse vs. sexy teacher. So score one for friendship I guess.
I think I just pulled an onion peel off my boob from sleeping on their kitchen floor
we are not getting arrested this weekend. I don't care who I have to blow its just not happening.
You make me want to do things that I'm pretty sure are illegal.
Grumpy Cat is dead and fuck EVERYTHING.
Randomize
