My parking ticket this morning was 30bucks. I feel like I'm paying the city to fuck you.
I've decided I'm just gonna keep drinking til the baby bump shows...
I get drunk and say inappropriate things... you get drunk and sleep with inappropriate people. it's what we do.
He told me his mother taught him that move. What the hell do I say to that?
Does anyone know who that girl who fell backwards and broke the shoe rack with her head was?
It's like I'm in a vicious cycle of noncommittal penis.
I'm working on finding a bottomless situation. Both pants and mimosas.
I pretty much told him I was too sober for this an just walked away and all I heard was "IT'S BECAUSE IM A BAD KISSER ISN'T IT" OVER AND OVER AGAIN
I have bad memories with every alcohol but we manage to work through the problems for the good of the relationship
Do I need to call and sing lullabies? Because that's creepy, but I'm a really good friend.
Whelp, I woke up on the front lawn this morning. I have got to stop wearing these underwear. Every time I do, I end up puking in someone's greenery.
She's still mad at me for saying she looked pregnant and not getting her chicken nuggets.
I'm sorry I tried to spit drugs down your throat like a baby bird last night.
It's beautiful. It's what jesusxwants. I should send you a pic of my boobs out of friendship
Drunk twilight is the only twilight
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