So, I'm about to rent a movie, order pizza, and use my vibrator.... Am I dating myself?
So can we just skip dinner and I'll just pay you for a blowjob?
Don't tempt me, I need beer money.
Sitting at a bar next to a guy wearing sunglasses drinking a pitcher by himself and having an argument with himself over if journey is more ballin than kiss. Feel better about myself.
was just hit on by a homeless lesbian. forever alone.
When the tupperware hit the highway it was like a vomit bomb
Just to be safe, you should be prepared to jump out of a second story window
We should invent fake asshair for you to wear so you can experience my pain for a day.
You should try cooking mac & cheese naked sometime. It's quite relaxing.
Peed in a sink tonight. That drunk. I'm not proud of myself for what I did. But to carry it out with such class. I should be awarded
As far as drugs go, alcohol has all the elegance and precision of hitting yourself in the head with a hammer.
If you sleep with another manager before the year is up you'll deserve an accomplishment sticker.
Your vagina needs to teach my vagina its ways.
For a second I thought that you were becoming a decent person again. I am glad I was wrong.
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
You’re like one of those doomsday preppers, but for your vagina
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