So bad night, ended up beating off to porn and eating Keebler elf cookies.... at the same time :-(
Did I get blown in the bathroom? Yes. Did she throw up cranberry juice on my shorts? Yes. Did she finish the job? Yes.
after he handcuffed me and put me in the back seat, "Mrs. Officer" started playing, I thought maybe this could be my escape
After a valiant attempt at golf, I think it's time for Tiger to go back to doing what he does best- having sex w/ blond, white women.
I'm covered in salsa and facewash. I think I'm doing something wrong over here.
I just found out I lost my virginity the same day my parents did, 25 years later. This is my life.
Girl on the bus just slammed her book shut, turned to me and said "I'm way to fucking high to be studying"
I just had the best counseling appointment lets fucking rage
And the night ended with some random dude pissing on a car in a vain attempt to find a proper bathroom. We, the drunk, salute you, sir!
He's like a sexy bearded lumberjack who likes wine.. I can't lose..
She's trying to change her flight... IM BEING COCKBLOCKED BY DELTA CUSTOMER SERVICE
Rum and your dick are involved. You're relying on the unreliable narrator.
Can I make sure all my sluttiness goes to you when I die? You're the only person I know who'll make use of it
Puking out the window is really hard when you're the one driving.
I think I fell in love last night
That guy had a face tattoo and was named Cheddar. Please tell me you’re kidding.
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