the cure to his relationship is in or around my vagina.
We took shots in honor of Shark Week.
you kept begging me not to tell anyone you had been a bat in another life
dude, i was at the student union last night trying to study but some retarded sorority spent an hour voting on the color of the seasons shirts like it was a UN meeting- someone motioned purple, someone objected, and half an hour later after 2 recounts they decided on purple
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right as i was about to introduce them she goes "old fuck buddy, meet new fuck buddy."
My drunk body wants to fuck you so bad, but my high mind is telling me it's too much work. I think I'm just gonna stay home and eat some Mac and cheese. Sorry.
If one more "stranger" walks up to me at the bar and asks how I have been, I am going to rehab.
Some people say 6pm is too early to get drunk. To them I say this dinner is delicious.
You, me, naked, mistletoe, fifth of jack, gallon of lube, condoms, Cheetos, handcuffs, rope, along with no morals, inhibition or judgment. That's all I want for Christmas.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You must be buzzed on Miller Lite.. Zen master advice is flowing
At the end of the night i was really thirsty and tied to a bedpost
mate iv just woke up in the garden. either help me inside or bring out my vodka
so we just got back from swapping peoples patio furniture around to different patios. some people might like unexpected change. others might regret living on the ground floor.
I woke up to a huge bag of McDonalds breakfast, a cup of coffe and Advil. The note read "yeah its a one night thing, but I felt bad so here you go. Thanks"
He just set a new unobtainable standard in one night stand etiquette.
i just sneezed the second i jizzed and it got in my eye. words can't describe how much i hate life right now.
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