An alarm set every 45 minutes saying "FATTY" and one every afternoon saying "CASPER" every day until spring break is a foolproof plan to being bikini ready
I kept grabbing at Stephanie's boobs because I thought the leopard spots on her dress were popcorn.
I woke up pulling sunflower seeds out of my vagina. That kind of night.
He started telling people I was Stephen Hawking's son. When that didnt fly he switched to Tony Romo's cousin
I'm sorry. I really don't see what's wrong with pregaming before a wine tasting.This champagne won't drink itself.
The wine tasting is just for charity anyways...
My suggestion that we all just smoke some weed was greeted with a uncomfrotable silence and a 'maybe later'. These are not our people
You claimed your dick was a divining rod, spun in a circle 3 times and walked into the bar you stopped in front of...consequently there was a bikini shoot going on
We didn't have a blender so we made the margaritas by running over a garbagebag full of ice with the car and then stirring it with a knife in a French-press coffee pot. CAN YOU SAY RESOURCEFUL?
You might not want to come home tonight. Mom just found your vibrator and now she won't stop sobbing and holding a framed picture of you as a little kid.
Why are there hooting douchebags outside my building? Did a sport happen again?
OH HAPPY DAYS YOU'RE BOTH GINGERS YOU'LL REPRODUCE YOUR OWN KIND
I'm basically flying you out for a long weekend of sex and going to the zoo
I'm cool with that
My niece I'm babysitting left earlier to stay the night with her friend. I got ditched by an 8 year old.
B. I found a note on my phone and all it says is 'Fuck yeah im a racecar'
Banged a guy with 2 broken arms once. Top that
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