I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
Does Vicodin go better with white or red wine?
I literally recorded a toilet flushing to make it his ringtone to remind me what a piece of shit he is
I remember three things: you falling down an entire flight of stairs, me stripping out of your Christmas one-sie to do cartwheels in my underwear, and people standing above me saying, "where did that bump on her head come from?"
Also, I was told I kept the antlers on the entire time. I'm deeming last night a success.
I wish you could take over my body and feel what my nipple feels like right now
I sat down next to him and my bra just unhooked itself
Please tell me that chemistry equipment is for chemistry and not for producing felonies.
THAT FUCKER WASTED TWO OF MY COLORED CONDOMS! HE DIDN'T EVEN FUCKING FINISH IN IT HE JUST SLAPPED IT ON AND WASTED IT!
NOLA update. Went to Corey Smith at the house of blues last night. Drank PBR and took lots of shots of Jack. Too drunk, cabbed it to the hotel and fell asleep while having sex. Not my finest moment. Now I'm in court. I can't wait to be your attorney.
fuck Derek. I choose weed. weed isn't angry and would never ask me to be someone I'm not.
My general physician told me i have the emotional capacity of a 2 year old, While he refilled my xanax prescription. That's service!
i had to flash a cab last night.
did it work?
No. he slowed down but then kept going. story of my life.
I just tried to lit a bowl with my chapstick.
I threw up soo much that I started crying. Then his grandma randomly came in and started rubbing my back...
If I hear the phrase 'these unprecedented times' one more time I'm putting my foot up someone's ass.
Randomize
