I just told the 2nd grade class leprechauns are the children of midgets.
just because she blew him doesn't mean she knows his name.
the beat of "birthday sex" is shockingly similar to my dry heaving rhythm. it's making me nauseous all over again.
I tried douching with a turkey baster. Not the brightest idea.
I'll be honest, not actually surprised to find half a Big Mac box and bits of broken security glass by the sofa.
Also I hooked up with a trainer at my gym. Between her, the married chick, and the bartender, my life is becoming a bad porn plot.
I just realized that there are baby oil soaked hand prints on the wall over my bed. Last night was a good night.
You will receive a large, large reward, worth much more than the actual phone you are holding, paid not only in cash but in sexual favors, if you return this phone! Please respond if you're interested in cash/sex/or just being a good person. Thanks and hope to hear from you soon!
She can drink whiskey without a chaser and has a fridge full of whipped cream. Girlfriend potential
The slot machines are wishing me happy birthday. Mission success.
My sharpie cut off line was invaded last night. Where's my turtleneck?
Hey, dude, is Kevin still passed out on your porch?
Yeah. I'm gonna go leave a pitcher of bloody mary next to him in case he's still alive.
After we had sex he began to tell me the craziest places he's had sex. He told me KFC bathroom so I rolled over and went to sleep.
I don't work there anymore. If they had Prince themed dildo parties i never would have quit
I managed to convince her that the egg yolks were actually orange juice and she fell for it
Randomize
