I cockslap morals
I wish I only lived at night.
I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
I tried to fuck this guy who I'm pretty sure has an erectile dysfunction
Guess who left Professor Cunt on their paper by accident?
If we worried less about pouring champagne down stripper crack, we probably wouldn't skip so many meals.
Couldn't find any balloons, so we're doing whippets out of condoms. Being a ho has its benefits.
They're not that bad of drunks, they come back to the vehicle with more stuff than they went in with, so its a profitable venture.
Hahaha my philosophy professor just opened class with "I had a shitty weekend and I was at the bar until 815 this morning. So bear with me".
want me to make you a grilled cheese? I can't guarantee it'll be as good as yours but i'll go down on you afterwards if you want
brb printing out this text and putting it on my bedroom wall
She's the perfect storm of great hair, big boobs, intellectualism, and mild moral ambiguity.
Random one night stand with a guy that had a USA tattoo on his ass. Can't possibly get more American than that
I am confused/concerned about the circumstances that led to your consumption of 3 beta fish last night.
He is farting the alphabet right now. In the goddamned restaurant. You don't get to recommend men anymore. Or restaurants for that matter.
She made me watch three musicals and then told me she was too tired for me to stay over. I think I'm being punished but I have no clue what I did.
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