My dad just yelled at me for going to youth group with out telling him. Apparently going out to fuck a girl without telling him gets me a high 5, going to youth group gets me grounded.
Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
omg. don't know how to spell his name, but hot new zealand guy's dick is magic
God I love babysitting. They pay me $10 an hour to watch movies and sext
She just ended a sentence with "and he doesn't even mind my herpes..."
She rolled over this morning and asked "did you refer to my vagina as splash mountain last night? "
Best oral ever, hands down so to speak. but I'm starting to want to meet that lesbian truck driver he says he's better than. Just for comparison purposes of course.
Dear awkwardly drunk roommate, thanks for stuffing enough change in my clevage that I could afford a pepsi at work today. Sincerely awesome roommate that put up with your drunk ass
omg this is getting ridiculous. nobody's vagina should ever be this neglected.
He is what would appear if the douche troop all had rings and we summoned someone like the Captain Planet kids.
Literally the only reason we didnt get arrested was because the cop said I reminded him of Steve Stifler from American Pie
Yeah. I made eggs in a microwave. I think that's an accomplishment this week, MOM.
Any recommendations for how to tell your wife about the pics of her 19 yr old sister on a porn site without admitting you were surfing said porn site?
Dude. I need you to practice dancing around in your banana hamock. Party boy style. I'll call later with details.
Also, if you don't fuck me soon, I will die. I don't want to die like that.
Randomize
