I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
so i gave him head in the movie theater last night. thought we were alone til I heard the clapping from the other side of the theater after he'd finished.
Just found a partially digested mushroom under my bed. Thanks for that.
I'm sorry I kept calling you a pussy... but to be fair, you were being a pussy.
Idk wtf I would do on a date. I thought wed passed that stage at least for a while. Nowadays dates should consist of blackouts and shameful mistakes.
Friends help friends remove their foot from the sunroof after an epic smoke sesh.
Rule #61 of being a lady: never get fingered by a finger with a knuckle tattoo
She knocked me and my drink to the ground with her ass. I have never been mad at someone for having a glorious booty.
maybe facebook could make a notification like "someone tagged a photo of that guy you used to bang and still think is really hot with his shirt off"
How do I have sand in my vagina if we were an hour away from the beach?
I could drive to your house and kick you in the nuts right now....and not even stop for a burrito
it's like i'm making a family tree of tunnel buddies for my vagina
I was at a crossroads, dude. Like, do I wanna eat chicken McNuggets or talk about my feelings?
Damn victory sex feels great
She passed out in my baby sister's room so we put her in one of my grandma's diapers, put a pacifier in her mouth, put her in my sister's crib and took pictures.
Randomize
