I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
so she bought me lunch gave me a blowie then paid for the gas since I drove... I think there's a catch but I'm gonna run with it
Drunk at a girls little league game. Hello summer.
I need you to do me a favor and hide my sword from me tonight. I'm planning on drinking my weight in vodka and I don't trust myself enough to not run through campus screaming "I AM SPARTA!" You'll be saving me a mugshot as well as saving some innocent girls from tears.
I gave up on alcohol forever for like 2 hours, that's got to be a new record
Some poor guy found you passed out in a bathroom stall. Again with your dick out. Looks like you got to rage after all.
All I've done this weekend is cum and drink. I think it's safe to say I'm dehydrated.
Let's put a bunch of beers in a backpack and shotgun them in a Red Lobster bathroom
Nobody will take a lit match to your nipple without warning you this time. Pinky swear.
Actually, I may scrap this entire plan. I just realized that I had sex with a guy with his own whiskey commercial.
Let's just say, I will never again lick an asshole.
Was picked up in the middle of a bar full of people...apparently I'm not tall enough to reach for drunken makeouts. I'm proud of myself.
Can I come over and get it in, take a nap in ur bed, grab some poptarts and then leave?
You haven't lost that air of class about you...
I wish people could trade lives with me for a day so they could see how much better my life is compared to theirs
Turns out my GF and my FWB have a mutual friend. Yada yada yada, I need to crash on your couch
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