I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
What do ugly girls do when they get too drunk at parties. They can't pull the whole "sorry i passed out on your couch but i'm hot so it doesn't matter "card
You know that hot fire fighter I fucked yesterday? Well him and two other guys are killing the fire on my stove. Awkward.
U asked everyone for their hoodies so u could "safely hug the cactus"
what whaaaat?! I BET YOU WIN IN THE TEETH DEPARTMENT.
Woke up in a wet suit with my junk cut out. In a strange apartment. Just found thing biggest bong u have ever seen. WHERE ARE YOU?!?!?!
i was debating whether to load antoher bowl when i realized i was holding a sandwich in one hand and a cookie in the other. and laughing.
I forgot how weird my hair bleaches and now I'm a calico
You can wake up to my rainbow of failure
Right now I'm standing in front of my fridge, drinking wine out of the bottle and eating cold steak with my hands. I am THE BEST at being single.
It's probably not healthy how legit bummed I am that my bottled of wine is gone.
You know it was a weird night when you find curly fries in your purse the next morning...
I'm at my friends house alone, she's at spin class so I'm wearing her engagement ring and eating buffalo wings. It's 9:30am. Happy Valentine's Day.
you don't understand it took me an hour and a half to escape that bed, I had to memorize his sleeping patterns.
My brother is chasing tequila with vodka. Not sure how it will turn out, but I like his style.
I deserve this hangover.
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