The next morning she woke up and asked who I was and where she was.
I wish your couch was made out of beer. I would drink like half of it.
Hey, my drug test is at 4:15 tomorrow. I'll meet you 5 minutes later.
dinner is belligerent. she just poured the rest of the pitcher of margaritas into a take home box. people are staring.
yeah, but the first step is admitting you have a problem, the next step is kidnapping him
I hope he didn't notice that my shirt was inside out when I told him I didn't have sex with the guy. Kind of a dead giveaway.
that bitch in the red sedan is still teasing me with the ice cream cone. i'm going to show her my dick
You were throwing up and said, "Whipe my face, I must look presentable at all times."
High gym went like this: I went to Dairy Queen instead.
I don't care how hot she is, her cat has pissed on me twice.
who the fuck is meatball and why is he telling you to nap on the bar
I shit like a lady though so that rarely happens
Can we talk about how i drunkenly changed the timezone on my phone last night and just showed up to work an hour early
I just got to my parents hungover as hell. My dad could tell and said "theres only one cure for a hangover" and handed me a beer. This morning went from a 0 to 10 in an instant.
His sex game is strong it’s like a warlord’s dick! you know what I mean?
Nope
Randomize
