I haven't been this sober since birth.
Holy shit bill nye is being consulted as an expert on cnn and hes credited as the science guy. What the fuck is the world coming to?
I just had to download an app to edit pictures on my new phone. The things I do for sexting...
And when he pulled me off the bathroom floor, he just looked at the cat litter stuck to my chin and said "oh sweetie" and shook his head. I think my dad's officially given up hope.
Nothing says walk of shame better than a onesie and a 12 pack of corona..
Whatever. I'm just trying to get my dick sucked while taking online harmonica lessons
She called me her guardian angel after I picked her phone up from the river of pee coming from her front porch.
New hot neighbor boys moving in across from us...So i did the logical thing and bought two 30 packs up the hill and walked right by em. Consider the line hooked and ready to reel.
Maybe you need to change your pickup move. The "hey check these out" titty flash gets you the wrong kinda man.
If our sexual relationship was relative to the Harry Potter series, I would have claimed the Wizard's Cup at least ten times.
Like, you've got the smoothest dick in the west. Do you moisturize?
Yes I do
my grandma just gave me a shoebox fulled to the top with tootsie rolls and condoms with a not that said "enjoy college, find a big cock" i'm not sure how I feel about this
Not this time. I'm drinking in my sweatpants which means I've given up for the day and shouldn't be in public.
The fact that you cheered yourself on while you puked saying it was your first college puke, blacked out, and sang taylor swift to the toilet confirms the fact that we are related. I've never been more proud.
when you come over can you bring tequila and my birth control? Thanks girl!
Randomize
