The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
everything is bigger in texas. Including my drinking problem.
We could sell used underwear with pictures of us wearing them.
i just saw a white kid with an afro using a martini shaker as a coffee thermos. go college.
i'm ready for this baby to gtfo so i can get coked out.
My number one goal in life is to find out who can fill a keg with Popov
God I hope my hair dresser doesn't realize that all these hairspiration pictures are from gay porn blogs on tumblr.
Somehow she is more off limits now than when she was his girlfriend
I'm the only person who goes to break up a friends with benefits and comes out with a boyfriend
Nobody will take a lit match to your nipple without warning you this time. Pinky swear.
I'm honored that you could tear yourself away from your girlfriend's vagina long enough to text me.
You left me a drunk voicemail of you describing your pizza to me at 2 AM
orgy was averted by karaoke, thank god
I've slapped too many boys and done too many naked laps for it only to be 10:30pm
Accent: check. Hot body: check. 8" dick: check. Feeds me biscuits in bed after rampant sex: check. Should I continue with my "Why I'm not coming back to the States" List?
Randomize
