My grandpa is talking about laundry and he asked if i could run a "small hot load." Wow. I had to leave the room.
I just puked in an auto zone parking lot. I'm never eating peanut butter and red wine for dinner again.
He looked me in the chest and said "I think I was visited by the titty fairy last night"
Reason #437 to hate Louisiana: Just went to the public bathroom at work. It was so humid the toilet seat was damp and sticky. Either it's the humidity or I sat in somebody's yesterday piss. I choose to believe the humidity.
Just got to costco. Where are you?
Liquor aisle, bring another cart.
I'm sorry i ruined our friendship with a boner
Nice just gets you lonely or dead. I don't like those options.
some dude just accurately guessed my height and bra size.. that is cup AND inches around. creepy, yet impressive
He is such a generous lover, I can look past the fact his name is fucking Bob.
I don't care. She's the only girl to make me feel like my face is melting when she blows me.
I'm in Florida in a retirement community the fuck am I supposed to do but watch tv and disgrace Jesus
While I'm here in reality dreaming of catching chili cheese fries with my mouth out of t shirt guns like Jesus is real
so evidently blowing a guy does not mean he will say hi to you when he sees you in class.. in case you're ever wondering
yeah i ran into him at the bar at 11pm. he started talking about engineering and the next thing i know it's 4am and i'm naked on top of him.
But really, what kind of hoe life adventure in Mexico would you do that would top me blowing a trucker?
Randomize
