Why do girls get to wear clothes that say "do me now" but guys don't have that kind of option?
I mean, what would the male equivalent of a slutty dress be?
Yeah next time you are over I'll let you beat it on her pillows and you will feel better.
Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
You kept telling that ginger girl, "it's not your fault, it's not your fault, it's not your fault."
Did you wake up with "jello shots" stamped on your hand too?
Just saw a woman with a Pomeranian in her bra. Way to step up your game Seattle.
He found my weave.. Think he'll still fuck me Friday? And how do I ask for it back?
You should make it a point to use vocabulary that is competition appropriate around him, like "champion" and "training" and "victory sex"
He handled me like a finger puppet on crack... Time to ice the vagina, I'd like to sit down sometime today.
No. I'm wrapped up in my sheets like a burrito. Carry me
Was there a Canadian at your party or did I dream that?
Look, opening a Guinness with a steak knife and nearly cutting your finger off to make another carbomb is always a good idea.
6 tequila shots, 3 kamikazes and 1 rumplemintz.. The next day I puked in my office trash can while doing payroll. I may have to dock my own pay for lack of class.
my cat just photo bombed my nudie.. does this qualify me as a cat lady?
It's really hard to tweet with a pussy in your face demanding attention.
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