The man at the Honda dealership told me I smell like vodka and probably shouldn't be driving.
just took my abortion antibiotic with my martini. i no longer wonder how i got into this situation.
you went around the entire night in your french maid costume dusting off the "cob webs" on everyone's crotch saying "you havent gotten any action in a while"
I was wondering why i got so many friend requests the next day...
There's a middle eastern man wearing a cow costume with tequila coming out of his udders, but I'm not sober enough to feel uncomfortable with it.
Cant wait to drunkenly tell by kids that i banged their aunt katie in a weird threesome
So my mom wants me to come swim with dolphins with my little sisters in October. I'm not sure how to tell her I saw a "when dolphins attack" special when I was rolling and am now terrified of them.
He straight up just had me drive all the way here and when I got here he was drinking a cup of tea and right after said he needed to go to bed
My aunt left me alone with the instructions to "get waisted" by the time she returns. I love drunk aunt.
after attempting to eat a candy cane bigger than my hand i have determined there's no way to eat this that doesn't seem erotic
Just introduced myself to a group of people and one dude said "You're Marc!? I've heard many a legend of you." I raised bottle of champagne, said cheers, and drank with them.
He sent me a dick pic, and it had smeared lipstick on it. So I sent him the pic of my tit with the hickey ring your brother gave me.
Is it bad I have to get shitty ass drunk on a Monday night because I can't adult?
I'm sharing a breakfast burrito w my uber driver
Is it weird to invite your FWB to thanksgiving dinner??
If it makes you feel any better, I can't find the goldfish I dropped like five minutes ago.
Randomize
